Children are not born emotionally developed; rather it is learned over time and may come more easily for some children than for others.  Temperament, sensory issues, and other factors will affect how children gain emotional intelligence.  

The good news is that we can begin to teach children now how to cope when the little things do not go their way…when the puzzle pieces don’t fit or when they cannot go outside because it is almost dark.  Equipping your children now with the building blocks, including building their feelings vocabulary, will provide them with the tools to make frustrations that come later in life, easier to handle.

Talking to kids about their emotions as early as you can is an important step in helping give them the language to express how they are feeling. Kids who understand their emotions are less likely to act out with temper tantrums, aggression, or other unwanted behavior to express how they feel.

Here are some of the ways you can help your child learn about and express their feelings:

Watch for cues – Sometimes feelings can be hard to identify because the behavior may not always match the emotion. Pay attention to your child’s body language, listen to what they’re saying and observing their behavior. Become a feelings investigator to better understand what they feel and why so that you can help them identify, express and manage those feelings better.

Behavior is communication – Children don’t always know what they are feeling, they just know that they are having a big feeling. This can be overwhelming for a child and when they don’t yet have the words to express how they are feeling, is when we see behaviors emerge. Try to understand the meaning and feeling behind your child’s behavior and remember that they are trying to communicate a need. You can help your child find other ways to express that feeling once you know what is driving the behavior.

Use feeling words – Help your child recognize their feelings by giving them a name. Naming feelings is the first step in helping kids learn to identify them. It helps your child to develop an emotional vocabulary so they can talk about their feelings instead of acting out.

Look for feelings in others – There are always opportunities to identify feelings in others. Ask your child to think about what someone else may be feeling. Reading books and singing songs are a great way talk about feelings and can help kids learn how to recognize them in others. 

Model the behavior – Kids learn about feelings and how to appropriately express them by watching others. Talk to your child about how you are feeling throughout the day and model how to handle those feelings. 

Encourage your child – Praise your child when they talk about their feelings or express them in an appropriate way. This will validate the idea that feelings are normal and it’s ok to talk about them. This also positively reinforces the behavior, so they are more likely to keep doing it.

Validate your child’s feelings – Stay present and resist the urge to make your child’s difficult feelings go away. Support your child in identifying and expressing their feelings, regardless of what they are, so that they feel seen and heard. When feelings are minimized or dismissed, they will often be expressed in unhealthy ways.

Name the feeling and set limits – Accepting and validating your child’s feelings does not mean allowing certain behaviors. Setting appropriate limits and boundaries is an important part of accepting emotions. “I know it’s frustrating to leave the park before you feel ready, but it’s time to go pick up your sister from school.” Name the feeling and set a limit.Remember, ALL feelings are ok and there are no bad feelings. By allowing our children to accept their own and other’s emotions, we are setting them up to develop a healthy sense of self, resiliency and coping skills that will last a lifetime.