“Why?”

This is often one of the most common words in a household with small children. It is both a good thing and developmentally appropriate when children are curious about the world and want to understand why things are the way they are. However, it can be very exhausting for parents to address the hundreds of “why” questions they get in a day.

The questioning typically starts around ages 2 or 3 and continues into ages 4 and 5 and beyond. The world can seem big and overwhelming for a toddler and asking “why” is a sign of curiosity and wanting to understand the world around them. This understanding can help to increase a child’s security and their confidence, so the “why” questions are important. 

The incessant questions may feel annoying and exhausting, but they are the foundation of conversation – but with a toddler’s limited vocabulary and communication skills. Commonly, before the ”why” stage came the “no” stage. When little ones start asking “why” it is because they are starting to understand that asking this creates a response and possible dialogue from you. Keep in mind that the “why” may not even be the real question but rather, a way to tell you that something is interesting, and they want to know more about it.

The “why’s” have another important role – These silly conversations also help to build the relationship with your child and deepen your connection. By validating your child’s natural curiosity with patience and understanding, your child will learn to come to you with any thoughts and worries because you’ve made it clear that you’re always there to listen and respond. That’s the type of relationship we all want with our kids.

As important and beneficial as the “why” phase is, it can be challenging when you’re in the middle of it. The following tips can help you navigate this developmentally appropriate stage without getting burned out by the constant “why’s”:

Meet a question with a question. If you’re tired of answering your child’s why’s and don’t want to resort to “Because I said so,” try saying this instead: “Why do you think?” And wait for her to come up with an explanation. For example: If your child asks, “Why are there stars in the sky?” Try responding with, “Hmm, why do you think there are stars in the sky?” Often, your toddler will come up with a pretty cute and creative answer. Most importantly though, you’re getting your child to think for themselves and be brave enough to offer an answer. This helps to develop confidence, self-esteem and problem-solving skills. 

Create a conversation. Instead of simply answering a question about why apples are red, you can talk about how apples are fruits, how apples grow on trees, how they taste and feel and take the opportunity to recall an experience you may have had together around the question; “do you remember the time we went apple picking last fall?”  Think of the question as a starting point that can grow into a whole conversation.

Research the answer together. Although it’s nice to be considered “all-knowing” it’s actually beneficial to let your toddler know that you don’t know all the answers. A simple response like, “I don’t know – what a great question! Let’s write that one down and research it later.” This introduces them to the idea that we can find information on our own which promotes independence and empowers them to question and research things.

Change the topic. Diversion and distraction may be beneficial if you want to stop a specific line of questioning. Your toddler may still want an answer, but it’s likely that what they really want is your attention and engagement. As long as you’re still giving it to them, they will likely change to another topic or activity without issue.

Turn it into a game. Try to change your perspective and turn these questions into a challenge. Count the number of questions your child asks and keep track of how many you can answer. Or try asking your child a silly question in return for each of their questions. Answer your child’s questions in a silly voice or create a song. Bringing a little lightness and silliness will often end in fits of laughter for both you and your child, and laughter really is the best medicine.

Set limits. While it shouldn’t be your go-to, sometimes it’s necessary to set limits and put an end to the “why’s”. To the overly inquisitive 3-year-old with repetitive “Why’s?”, it is okay not to answer. “Mommy is all done answering questions for now” works.  In response to “Whyyy?” when it is in protest of something; calmly and confidently restate your request, “It’s time for bed now. This is not optional.” 

Luckily, the “why” phase doesn’t last forever, and our kids aren’t purposely pushing our buttons. Instead, they’re taking their next big developmental leap and you are supporting that development by engaging with them. Remember that open-ended questions allow your child to do the thinking and develop critical-thinking skills, which are the foundation of learning. After all, they asked the thought-provoking questions in the first place, so help their brain ponder the reasons why.