The list of ‘To Do’s’ for parents is endless, for sure. Among the duties is to meet your child’s emotional needs. For some parents and children, it comes naturally, and they are able to maintain a healthy relationship. Other families struggle to feel truly connected, even when they feel they are making every effort. 

Sometimes, relationships are easy or hard because of temperament, or personality. As we know, humans have a biological need for connection, but not every personality connects to others in the same way.

As Forty Carrots Parenting Educators search for ways to help families stay connected, they often reference experts in the field of child development or mental health. One philosophy stands out because it places a focus on children’s emotional needs, or love needs. The book The 5 Love Languages of Children, by Gary Chapman, gives us a unique perspective as we look to make connections with our children, given each of them perceives love in different ways.

In his first book, The 5 Love Languages, the premise is that everyone has an “emotional tank,” or a place of emotional strength. Each person has a specific way that they receive love, this is how that tank is refilled over and over, so that the person feels loved and fulfilled in a relationship. 

With children, the concept is similar. They look to have their emotional tank filled by their parents. This is where the parent/child relationship is important. We know from decades of attachment research that children develop within the context of a loving relationship. Love Languages shows us how to also include strategies that meet our individual children’s needs. By learning our child’s love language, we can fill their tank and enhance the relationship. It is also said that teaching and discipline are better received when a child has a full emotional tank. Let’s take a look at what each of the love languages mean, as well as, how we can meet the emotional needs of children. 

1. Physical Touch – to this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate physical touch.
2. Words of Affirmation – your unsolicited compliments and encouragement mean the world to this person.
3. Quality Time – for some people, nothing says I love you like your full undivided attention.
4. Gifts – for some people, what makes them feel loved is a gift.
5. Acts of Service – for these people, actions speak louder than words.

Child development research tells us that children need things such as unconditional love, a safe and secure environment, opportunity for exploration, and routines to build a healthy self-esteem. They also need to have their emotional needs met so they can develop self-regulation and healthy coping skills. One way to meet your child’s emotional needs may be to identify how they recognize love. 

You may be thinking… How will I know what my child’s love language is? According to the book The 5 Love Languages of Children, by Gary Chapman, here are some things to keep in mind: 

• Observe how your child expresses love to you
• Observe how your child expresses love to others
• Listen to what your child requests most often
• Notice what your child most often complains about 
• Give your child a choice between 2 options

As you observe what your child responds to, you may notice that he prefers to give or receive love in different ways than you do. This shift in perspective is important because it means that you are truly tuned in to the way your child works, his personality, and his needs.Parents need many tools in their ‘parenting tool-box’ to reference. The 5 Love Languages philosophy may be useful to parents who are looking for other ways to connect with their child. In addition, behavior challenges are often reduced when a parent and child are connected. Gaining ways to understand your child better can benefit the overall relationship.